Duct Tape
by Cleetus Backwater
Summary: This is a play about my favorite substance in the world - Duct Tape!!! I originally wrote this with a friend many years ago, and have re-written it several times since. Hope you enjoy it!!!


THE CAST  
  
Harvey, the clerk; dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, has an apron on. Harvey has worked in the hardware store his father owned since he was young. He recently took over the store when his father passed away.  
  
Scott, the handyman; dressed in jeans and flannel shirts, has a full beard. works in carpentry. Scott has been coming to this store for supplies for years.  
  
Steve, the new guy; dressed in kakhi pants and a polo shirt. Steve has just moved to town from the city and is currently fixing up his new home.  
  
THE SCENE  
  
A hardware store. On the front counter we see a display of duct tape. Throughout the store are shelves and boxes labeled as various things, but all we see is duct tape. Harvey is sweeping the floor.  
  
  
  
THE PLAY  
  
[stage is dimly lit]  
  
{ding-ding. The door chimes ring as Scott, the local handyman, enters. Scott is on his first supply run to the store since it's remodelign and reopening after the death of it's founder, Harvey's father}  
  
[lights up full]  
  
Scott: Hey Harvey! (looks around, then continues in bafflement) I like what you've done with the place ?!  
  
Harvey: (proud of his accomplishment) I'm glad you like it! You know, these days, it's the only way to go.  
  
{Scott continues to look around in amazement, as Harvey crosses to behind the counter. Scott then crosses to the front of the counter}  
  
Scott: I'm looking for some supplies, Harvey. (takes a list out of his pocket and leans on the counter)  
  
Harvey: Sure, Scott. What can I get you?  
  
Scott: Well, first I need some screws…  
  
Harvey: Drywall or finishing?  
  
Scott: Finishing screws, inch and a quarter.  
  
Harvey: Hmm… we're all out.  
  
Scott: How about inch and five-eighths?  
  
Harvey: All out of those, too!  
  
Scott: Well, I suppose drywall would work for now.  
  
Harvey: Inch and a quarter or inch and five-eighths?  
  
Scott: Inch and a quarter.  
  
Harvey: All out!  
  
Scott: five-eighths? (he says worriedly)  
  
Harvey: Those, too! But you know what works? Duct Tape! (hands him a roll) This stuff will hold damn near anything!  
  
Scott: Duct tape! Duct tape? I can't use duct tape. Have you lost your… (stops himself) No, okay. Forget the screws. I'll get them somewhere else.  
  
Harvey: Okay, what else can I get you?  
  
Scott: I need some paint remover.  
  
Harvey: For acrylic or latex?  
  
Scott: Latex.  
  
Harvey: We're all out.  
  
Scott: And the other?  
  
Harvey: That too! But you know what works? (sounds enthusiastic)  
  
Scott: Duct tape? (sounds discouraged)  
  
Harvey: (sounds like a true salesman) Yes, Duct tape! Just apply to your wall and peel. This stuff's great!  
  
Scott: Do you sell anything? I mean, other then duct tape?  
  
Harvey: Sure, all the time!  
  
Scott: Okay, okay. (calming himself down) Look Harvey, I really need a new door lock. Someone tried to break into my house last night. The dog scared them off, but they had already busted the lock. I need a new one now!  
  
Harvey: That's horrible, Scott. Let's see… door locks, door locks? (thinks for a moment) Aisle one!  
  
Scott: Finally! Thanks Harvey!  
  
{Scott makes his way over to the first aisle and begins to look around. He then begins to get frantic, and heads back to the front counter}  
  
Scott: Harvey, this aisle is filled with duct tape! What do you expect me to do ?! Duct tape my door shut?  
  
Harvey: Yeah, doesn't everybody?  
  
Scott: Harvey, I don't know what's wrong with you, but I'm getting out of here. This place is just too damn strange!  
  
Harvey: Okay, Scott.  
  
{Scott heads for the door, the stops and turns around}  
  
Scott: No, wait. Your father was a good friend of mine. I'll give you one more chance. You got light bulbs?  
  
{Harvey thinks for a moment, then gets a happy look on his face and begins to speak}  
  
Harvey: Well…  
  
Scott: No! I don't even want to know! Good bye, Harvey!  
  
{Scott storms out of the store, as Steve walks in}  
  
Steve: (to Harvey) What's that guy's problem?  
  
Harvey: I don't know. I was just about to tell him we only have 60 watt light bulbs in right now (takes a bulb from behind the counter) and he stormed out.  
  
Steve: God, some people are so strange!  
  
Harvey: Ah, that's okay! So, my names Harvey, what can I get for you?  
  
Steve: Well, Harvey, I'm Steve, and I need some inch and a quarter screws.  
  
{At this point, Scott walks back in, realizing he left his list on the counter. He pauses in the doorway and listens}  
  
Harvey: Well, we're all out of screws, but we've got duct tape!  
  
Steve: Duct tape! That's great! I'll take a roll.  
  
{In the background Scott is shocked}  
  
Harvey: (handing him a roll) Anything else?  
  
Steve: Well, I need some floor tiles. I'm redoing the bathroom floor.  
  
Harvey: Well, we don't have any in right now, but we do have duct tape!  
  
Steve: Will that stuff work?  
  
Harvey: Sure, I use it myself!  
  
Steve: Well then, I'll take a couple of rolls.  
  
{ In the background, we see Scott throw his arms in the air and storm out, leaving the list. Harvey hands a couple more rolls of duct tape to Steve, and then begins to ring him up. A random man walks in.}  
  
Man: Excuse me, sir. I'm painting my house, but I don't want to ruin my clothes. I was wondering if you had any jumpsuits?  
  
Harvey: Well, no. But I do have duct tape!  
  
[lights, curtain]  
  
THE END 


End file.
